How to: Breakfast in Bed (Guest Post)

The following is a guest post from my friend and former classmate, Chris Legentil.  He wrote this guide to bed breakfastry in fulfillment of a writing class assignment.  Since August is traditionally a slow month for Greg’s Blog, Chris was kind enough to share his inspiring tale of self improvement with us all.

Thanks, Chris!

Enjoy.

Breakfast in Bed

by Chris Legentil

From what I can tell, one day I will hate waking up next to the same person every day.  Movies and television programs have instructed me so.  My parents seem a little bothered by the proximity of their respective sides of the bed.  And if you only knew my Uncle Matt, you would be sure that greeting the same face each morning is a fate worse than death.  (He once told me there is only thing stopping him from smacking my aunt nightly – “her face could actually look worse tomorrow morning.”  Classy guy.)

Well Uncle Matt, stop reading now because you will not like this:  I only see my girlfriend two days a week and it sucks.  I loathe the situation so intensely that sometimes I try to plan seven days worth of activities for the weekend just to catch up on lost time.  Other times, I plan nothing so we can spend the days laying on each other, talking, and watching our favorite shows.  Nauseous yet, Uncle Matt?

It was on an ambitious day two months ago that I realized I couldn’t even properly start a day for my lady.  We woke up.  She mentioned she was hungry so I offered to cook some breakfast.  I jumped out of bed and over to the kitchen when my world came crashing down on me:  I don’t know how to make breakfast!  It’s the easiest meal of the day and I am staring at my stove like it’s an advanced calculus equation.  What’s worse is I didn’t even have food in the house.  I might be the worst provider of all time.

Sheepishly, I went back into the bedroom and presented the bad news.  She smiled.  Ten minutes later we were at PB’s diner where a plate of eggs and bacon taunted me.  Looming under the eggs, the bacon seemed to be smirking at me.  My coffee laughed out billows of hazelnut steam for all to smell.  And the toast’s melting butter disappeared proportionately with my manhood.   Infuriated, I flew out the diner doors with my girlfriend pondering our next destination.  I scoffed, “Honey, we are going to the grocery store.  I’m on a mission.”

Right then I said goodbye to my old life.  No more overcharged breakfasts.  No more short-order cooks simultaneously flipping the bird and their spatulas at me.  And no more beds without breakfast for my girl.

This is how to cook breakfast for the love of your life.  No frills: just eggs, bacon, toast, and a hot cup of coffee.

Preparation

Cooking preparation is not like test preparation.  You can’t rest on your laurels hoping for a lucky outcome.  No Grinds = No Coffee.  No Bread = No Toast.  No Preparation = No Breakfast.

Here’s what you’ll need:

Food

Dozen Jumbo Eggs, Package of Bacon, Bag of Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Loaf of Sliced Bread, Milk, Salt & Pepper, Coffee Grinds, Sugar

Accessories

Coffee Filters, Napkins, Paper Towels

Equipment

Two Pans, Plates, Bowl, Mugs, Utensils, Toaster Oven, Coffee Maker

Tip:  Be thrifty at the grocery store.  Only buy the name brands for the bacon, bread, and coffee.

Cooking & Timing

Trust this sequence and everything will be hot and ready to serve at the same time – a vital tip for the novice chef. Start your coffee first.  This is an easy thing to get out of the way – and you never know if you or the lady will want a cup before breakfast is officially served.

Coffee measurements can be funky.  The reason stems from the American love for inordinate amounts of a.m. caffeine.  Our mugs of coffee dwarf the actual “cups” of coffee that we are supposed measure out.  Knowing this, use the Water-Coffee Rule of Three.  For every mug of coffee, pour three cups of water into the pot. So, two mugs = six cups of water.

Move on to grinds.  Pull the filter compartment from the coffee maker.  Place a new coffee filter in said compartment and add 2.5 scoops of coffee grinds for every desired mug of coffee. So, two mugs = five scoops of grinds. Put the compartment back into the coffee maker and switch the power button to ON.  Then lift the top flap and quickly pour the water from the pot into the coffee maker.  Place the pot back onto the coffee maker’s hot plate as soon as it empties.  This will avoid spilling brewed coffee all over the counters.  Let the coffee maker do its thing and head over to the stove.

Place your two pans on the stove.  Cut a piece of butter – about ½ pinkie thick – for each.  Toss butter in both pans but only turn on one stove flame – This will be your bacon’s hot spot.  While turning things on, set your toaster oven to 300 degrees.

Eggs.  The rule of thumb is that men eat three eggs and women eat two. So, two people = five eggs. Place a paper towel square on the counter, grab five eggs and crack them individually on the side of a bowl.  Upon each crack, pour the eggs’ contents (minus shells) into the bowl and place shells on the paper towel.  After all five eggs are in, check the bowl for shells.  It is absolutely imperative that you don’t let one shell into the pan.  For an eater, nothing ruins the scrambled egg experience like biting into a shell.  Knowing this, you must fish out every shell with your finger.  This is no easy task, so the best way to deal with shells is prevention.

Add salt & pepper to your bowl.  Don’t be shy – especially with the pepper.  These spices will bring out the eggs’ delicious flavors.  Before continuing with your eggs, place three slices (per person) of bacon in the heated pan. So, Two people = six pieces of bacon. Cover the bacon pan and turn on the flame for the other pan – the egg pan.

Now add a shot of milk per person eating. So, Two people = two shots. Begin the beating process.  Use a fork to “whisk” the bowl’s contents.  Whisking is a quick, circular whipping motion that turns the eggs, milk, and spices into one substance.  Continue whisking until the egg whites, yolks, and milk have become one, smooth, mono-color liquid.  (That may sound gross but it’s sure to taste exquisite.)  Pour the eggs into the heated egg pan.

Pull the cover off the bacon pan to check on the bacon.  Watch out for grease splatters and oil popping!  If you are unfamiliar with “oil popping,” just consider yourself lucky.   Be careful flipping the bacon over and close the lid on the pan.

Now you have a little time.  Take this opportunity to clean.  Throw out your egg shells and wipe down your counter.  Find out how your lady likes her coffee, bacon, and toast:

Coffee can be light, medium, or black in color and sweet or strong in taste.

Bacon can be regular or crispy.

Toast can be light or dark and buttered or dry.

Pour and serve your coffee.  Head to the egg pan and stir them around.  Put one slice (per person) of bread in the toaster oven. So, two people = two slices of bread – we needn’t load up on carbohydrates.  Then, check to make sure that your bacon is browning nicely.  Take this time to shut off and clean your coffee pot.  Throw out your used coffee filter and put your milk away.

Stir the eggs again and add more salt & pepper.  Put down another paper towel and pull the bacon from their pan with a fork.  Place the cooked bacon onto the paper towel to let some grease drip off.  Shut the stove’s flame and place the pan into the sink.

Add a few pinches of shredded cheddar cheese into the egg pan and stir.  At this point, your toast should be ready.  Pull the toast out and slice & butter as specified.  Shut off the toaster oven.  Place the toast and bacon onto their respective plates.  Stir the eggs once more.  Make sure the eggs are completely in solid form and add them to the plates.  (Make sure to put less in your girlfriend’s plate because you don’t want to imply that she eats as much as you.)  Shut off the flame and put the pan into the sink.  Breakfast is (ready to be) served.

As you can see, I am now a breakfast champion.  Aside from cooking, I play the role of waiter as I serve my lady in bed each weekend.  And as I place the tray into her lap, I would even dare my jaded Uncle Matt to tell me that her face is one of which he could tire.

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