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Elvis: Rock Band

In 2002, RCA and the Presley estate released Elv1s: 30 #1 Hits following the success of The Beatles’ 2000 release of 1.

Now, with renewed Beatlemania thanks to the recent releases of a remastered catalog and The Beatles: Rock Band, The King’s men over at Sony BMG are following in the Fab Four’s footsteps yet again with a planned (and unnecessary) re-reissuing of his catalog along with the recently begun (and very necessary) development of the already-titled Elvis: Rock Band.

The first “leak” came yesterday on Sony’s YouTube channel.

I can’t wait!  How about you?

How to: Breakfast in Bed (Guest Post)

The following is a guest post from my friend and former classmate, Chris Legentil.  He wrote this guide to bed breakfastry in fulfillment of a writing class assignment.  Since August is traditionally a slow month for Greg’s Blog, Chris was kind enough to share his inspiring tale of self improvement with us all.

Thanks, Chris!

Enjoy.

Breakfast in Bed

by Chris Legentil

From what I can tell, one day I will hate waking up next to the same person every day.  Movies and television programs have instructed me so.  My parents seem a little bothered by the proximity of their respective sides of the bed.  And if you only knew my Uncle Matt, you would be sure that greeting the same face each morning is a fate worse than death.  (He once told me there is only thing stopping him from smacking my aunt nightly – “her face could actually look worse tomorrow morning.”  Classy guy.)

Well Uncle Matt, stop reading now because you will not like this:  I only see my girlfriend two days a week and it sucks.  I loathe the situation so intensely that sometimes I try to plan seven days worth of activities for the weekend just to catch up on lost time.  Other times, I plan nothing so we can spend the days laying on each other, talking, and watching our favorite shows.  Nauseous yet, Uncle Matt?

It was on an ambitious day two months ago that I realized I couldn’t even properly start a day for my lady.  We woke up.  She mentioned she was hungry so I offered to cook some breakfast.  I jumped out of bed and over to the kitchen when my world came crashing down on me:  I don’t know how to make breakfast!  It’s the easiest meal of the day and I am staring at my stove like it’s an advanced calculus equation.  What’s worse is I didn’t even have food in the house.  I might be the worst provider of all time.

Sheepishly, I went back into the bedroom and presented the bad news.  She smiled.  Ten minutes later we were at PB’s diner where a plate of eggs and bacon taunted me.  Looming under the eggs, the bacon seemed to be smirking at me.  My coffee laughed out billows of hazelnut steam for all to smell.  And the toast’s melting butter disappeared proportionately with my manhood.   Infuriated, I flew out the diner doors with my girlfriend pondering our next destination.  I scoffed, “Honey, we are going to the grocery store.  I’m on a mission.”

Right then I said goodbye to my old life.  No more overcharged breakfasts.  No more short-order cooks simultaneously flipping the bird and their spatulas at me.  And no more beds without breakfast for my girl.

This is how to cook breakfast for the love of your life.  No frills: just eggs, bacon, toast, and a hot cup of coffee.

Preparation

Cooking preparation is not like test preparation.  You can’t rest on your laurels hoping for a lucky outcome.  No Grinds = No Coffee.  No Bread = No Toast.  No Preparation = No Breakfast.

Here’s what you’ll need:

Food

Dozen Jumbo Eggs, Package of Bacon, Bag of Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Loaf of Sliced Bread, Milk, Salt & Pepper, Coffee Grinds, Sugar

Accessories

Coffee Filters, Napkins, Paper Towels

Equipment

Two Pans, Plates, Bowl, Mugs, Utensils, Toaster Oven, Coffee Maker

Tip:  Be thrifty at the grocery store.  Only buy the name brands for the bacon, bread, and coffee.

Cooking & Timing

Trust this sequence and everything will be hot and ready to serve at the same time – a vital tip for the novice chef. Start your coffee first.  This is an easy thing to get out of the way – and you never know if you or the lady will want a cup before breakfast is officially served.

Coffee measurements can be funky.  The reason stems from the American love for inordinate amounts of a.m. caffeine.  Our mugs of coffee dwarf the actual “cups” of coffee that we are supposed measure out.  Knowing this, use the Water-Coffee Rule of Three.  For every mug of coffee, pour three cups of water into the pot. So, two mugs = six cups of water.

Move on to grinds.  Pull the filter compartment from the coffee maker.  Place a new coffee filter in said compartment and add 2.5 scoops of coffee grinds for every desired mug of coffee. So, two mugs = five scoops of grinds. Put the compartment back into the coffee maker and switch the power button to ON.  Then lift the top flap and quickly pour the water from the pot into the coffee maker.  Place the pot back onto the coffee maker’s hot plate as soon as it empties.  This will avoid spilling brewed coffee all over the counters.  Let the coffee maker do its thing and head over to the stove.

Place your two pans on the stove.  Cut a piece of butter – about ½ pinkie thick – for each.  Toss butter in both pans but only turn on one stove flame – This will be your bacon’s hot spot.  While turning things on, set your toaster oven to 300 degrees.

Eggs.  The rule of thumb is that men eat three eggs and women eat two. So, two people = five eggs. Place a paper towel square on the counter, grab five eggs and crack them individually on the side of a bowl.  Upon each crack, pour the eggs’ contents (minus shells) into the bowl and place shells on the paper towel.  After all five eggs are in, check the bowl for shells.  It is absolutely imperative that you don’t let one shell into the pan.  For an eater, nothing ruins the scrambled egg experience like biting into a shell.  Knowing this, you must fish out every shell with your finger.  This is no easy task, so the best way to deal with shells is prevention.

Add salt & pepper to your bowl.  Don’t be shy – especially with the pepper.  These spices will bring out the eggs’ delicious flavors.  Before continuing with your eggs, place three slices (per person) of bacon in the heated pan. So, Two people = six pieces of bacon. Cover the bacon pan and turn on the flame for the other pan – the egg pan.

Now add a shot of milk per person eating. So, Two people = two shots. Begin the beating process.  Use a fork to “whisk” the bowl’s contents.  Whisking is a quick, circular whipping motion that turns the eggs, milk, and spices into one substance.  Continue whisking until the egg whites, yolks, and milk have become one, smooth, mono-color liquid.  (That may sound gross but it’s sure to taste exquisite.)  Pour the eggs into the heated egg pan.

Pull the cover off the bacon pan to check on the bacon.  Watch out for grease splatters and oil popping!  If you are unfamiliar with “oil popping,” just consider yourself lucky.   Be careful flipping the bacon over and close the lid on the pan.

Now you have a little time.  Take this opportunity to clean.  Throw out your egg shells and wipe down your counter.  Find out how your lady likes her coffee, bacon, and toast:

Coffee can be light, medium, or black in color and sweet or strong in taste.

Bacon can be regular or crispy.

Toast can be light or dark and buttered or dry.

Pour and serve your coffee.  Head to the egg pan and stir them around.  Put one slice (per person) of bread in the toaster oven. So, two people = two slices of bread – we needn’t load up on carbohydrates.  Then, check to make sure that your bacon is browning nicely.  Take this time to shut off and clean your coffee pot.  Throw out your used coffee filter and put your milk away.

Stir the eggs again and add more salt & pepper.  Put down another paper towel and pull the bacon from their pan with a fork.  Place the cooked bacon onto the paper towel to let some grease drip off.  Shut the stove’s flame and place the pan into the sink.

Add a few pinches of shredded cheddar cheese into the egg pan and stir.  At this point, your toast should be ready.  Pull the toast out and slice & butter as specified.  Shut off the toaster oven.  Place the toast and bacon onto their respective plates.  Stir the eggs once more.  Make sure the eggs are completely in solid form and add them to the plates.  (Make sure to put less in your girlfriend’s plate because you don’t want to imply that she eats as much as you.)  Shut off the flame and put the pan into the sink.  Breakfast is (ready to be) served.

As you can see, I am now a breakfast champion.  Aside from cooking, I play the role of waiter as I serve my lady in bed each weekend.  And as I place the tray into her lap, I would even dare my jaded Uncle Matt to tell me that her face is one of which he could tire.

“Somebody to Love”

“Somebody to Love,” off of quite possibly one of the top five live albums of all time, 2004’s Queen On Fire:  Live at the Bowl (recorded in 1982).  Enjoy.

Todd Barry

“Who,” you might ask, “is Todd Barry?”

Well, first off, I like Todd Barry.

“If Greg, the blogging guy from Greg’s Blog, likes Todd Barry, that’s all there is to it.  I should probably like Todd Barry too.”

I couldn’t agree more. If, however, you refuse take my word for it, the following case for Todd Barry will most certainly persuade you.

EXHIBIT A: Todd insulting friend and fellow comedian Louis C.K.

With my case now rested, and you fully convinced that you should like Todd Barry too, you will enjoy the following detailed analysis of Todd Barry.

According to an anonymous Wikipedia author:

Todd Andrew Barry (born March 26, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor and voice actor, known for his “laid-back” stage manner.

Barry was born in The Bronx, New York. He received his Bachelors degree in English from the University of Florida. In 1999, his Comedy Central Presents special aired. He wrote, directed and starred in the short film Borrowing Saffron (2002), which co-starred H. Jon Benjamin. He’s made a variety of guest appearances on shows like Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, Home Movies, Wonder Showzen, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Over six years he made 16 appearances on Dr. Katz, appearing as himself in the first two appearances. He then played recurring character Todd the video store clerk and appeared in most episodes in the show’s final year. He also played a character in the television pilot Saddle Rash along with Sarah Silverman, H. Jon Benjamin and Mitch Hedberg. In “The Third Conchord“, the twelfth and final episode of the first season of Flight of the Conchords, Barry played Todd, a bongo playing megalomaniac, who tries to introduce the highly suggestive song, “Doggy Bounce,” to the Conchords’ repertoire, and a new band name: The Crazy Dogggz.

The subject of his solo show Icky describes the “merciless, unpitying trouncing he suffered” on alt.fan.conan-obrien, the Conan O’Brien newsgroup, following a guest appearance.

He is close friends with fellow comedian Louis CK, and toured with him in 2009.

According to an anonymous ToddBarry.com author:

Todd Barry was born in New York City. He moved to South Florida as a cute little boy, then moved to Manhattan as a macho little man. He received a BA in English from the University of Florida.

According to Greg’s Blog’s Todd Barry analyst, Greg:

Most recently seen in The Wrestler as Wayne—Randy “The Ram” Robinson’s douche bag boss at a supermarket—Todd Barry is a very calm, self aware, ironically self-congratulatory and extremely witty comedian who doesn’t play to the masses.

He’s at his best when detailing the back stories of his many receipts or conducting a long, e-mail-based interview.  He is also a master photo caption-/descriptionist (see below).

I fist saw Todd on Comedy Central a few years ago and was immediately struck by his wise-ass  persona and sporadic hilarity. Ever since, I’ve kept an eye out for Todd and enjoy seeing him whenever he pops up (see the videos below).

What makes Todd Barry so funny?

His name.

“Todd Barry” is fun to say.  Not because it is comprised of two first names—usually a reason for disliking a name—but because the “d” and the “B” from his first and last names sound pretty good back-to-back. Coincidentally, “Todd Barry” is fun to hear Todd Barry say, as he often does with his trademark “Todd Barry” delivery.

…

And now, some pictures with captions and descriptions from the “Photos & Photographs“  section of Todd Barry’s Web site, ToddBarry.com:

Parisian Sunset

Here’s a picture of Todd, taken on his recent trip to Paris. Note the huge orange streak. This was not a mistake caused by Todd’s shitty camera. It was an intentional choice made by Todd, a visionary photographic subject.

Candid Billiards Shot

Photographer Seth Olenick accosted Todd while he was playing — make that hustling — pool. When Todd isn’t doing comedy he loves playing — make that hustling — pool. If you meet Todd on the road, feel free to challenge him to a round of pool, but keep this in mind: you will lose and you will be hustled.

Poor, Sad Todd

Photographer Heather Johnson snagged this incredibly revealing shot of Todd, at his poorest and saddest. Look at him, standing alone, holding a broken umbrella in the middle of an abandoned handball court. Don’t you wish you could turn back the hands of time, and hand Todd your non-broken umbrella, then saunter over to a nearby cafe for the coffee beverage of your choice? This photograph underscores the notion that show business is not always glamorous, especially for a tortured soul like Todd.

Careful Where You Look Jon Stewart

Todd Barry’s “no eye contact before a show” rule is one of the most rigid in the business. He expects everyone to adhere to it, even people he’s opening for. This photo was taken backstage at the Byham Theater in Pittsburgh, February, ‘98.

Fly on the Wall in Todd's Apt.

You’ve probably said to yourself, “I’d love to be a fly on the wall in Todd’s apartment, so I could hear him writing his amazing act, as well as the sounds of sweet lovemaking emanating from his bedroom.” Well this picture shows what happened when Todd was inexplicably inundated with a wave of flies. The flies are gone now, but all the sounds remain.

Todd with Fan

No fancy caption necessary. Just a really sexy photo of Todd standing next to a fan.

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Todd steps into the Cone Zone:

Todd is Lucky Number 7:

Todd is the third Conchord:

Todd is Dwayne:

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For all you Todd Barry lovers who made it down this far…

Stay up to date with, and feast on the latest juicy Todd Barry morsels by following him on Twitter.

Here’s a tweet from Thursday:

Leave your Todd Barry-related commentary below!

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Give Me Back that Filet-O-Fish, Give Me that Fish

Give me back that Filet-O-Fish.  Give me that fish.

Give me back that Filet-O-Fish.  Give me that fish.

What if it were you hanging up on this wall?

If it were you in that sandwich, you wouldn’t be laughing at aghgllghll.

…

Heeeehh.

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Scream

Janet and Michael Jackson's 1995 "Scream" video was set on a futuristic spaceship with brittle windows.

Chris Cornell today released his third solo album, the Timbaland-produced Scream.

[Listen here]

The once bombastically soulful grunge-rocker said this time around he wanted to achieve a “disconnect with all preconceived ideas of what a rock record should be or what a rock singer should do.“

Mission accomplished.

As allmusic.com’s Stephen Thomas Erlewine noted, the record sounds like “skittering, generic dance-pop…only graced by Cornell’s caterwaul, sometimes looped, sometimes manipulated by AutoTune because that’s what you do with a pop album in 2009.“

Erlewine managed to find a highlight in the bluesy hidden track, “Two Drink Minimum,” featuring John Mayer on guitar, but failed to mention the fleeting ray of hope at the end of “Climbing Up the Walls” (starting at 4:10).  In a seemingly ad-libbed solo acoustic jam, Cornell sings:

Drunk, he’s fast asleep.

He’s so tired, makes me weep.

He stays up all night working on his songs.

But then I guess we all do the same thing.

(talking) He still asleep?

The next and final track, “Watch Out,” begins with a whispered “wake up.”  This hint confirmed my suspicion that the preceding musical oasis was just a mirage.  Indeed, it succumbed to the rigor of a second listening.  After seemingly unending repetitions of “pick it up, pick it up, watch out, now pick it up…” the suffering concludes with the flickering sound of a finished tape reel.  Considering the digital nature of this product, the sound of a tape reel is inappropriate.  Also inappropriate is the Zelda-like intro of the album opener “Part of Me” along with the fact that Chris Cornell and Timbaland made an album together.

Amid all the Bizarro Axl Rose-esque production, Cornell actually manages to sound decent throughout.  However, he’s never decent enough to make any song stand out.*

*Possible exception:  “Two Drink Minimum.”  A 20-second clip starts at 2:00.

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And now, some uplifting news.

Kelly Clarkson’s** All I Ever Wanted also dropped today.  This guilty pleasure mixes just enough syrup-rock intensity with delicious vocals to make you forget Scream ever existed!

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In memoriam:

M.A.C.C. “Hey Baby (Land of the New Rising Sun)“

**Idol Alert!
Tonight at 8 p.m. EST the top 13 perform “the songs of Michael Jackson.”  (Look out for 16-year-old Allison Iraheta!)

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“Say ‘Pickles!’”

“Who does this guy think I am?” thought four-year-old Greg.

It was picture day at playschool, and—after the photographer posed me with a yellow fish from a jumbo jigsaw puzzle—he blurted, “Say ‘pickles!’”

To think that I would actually play with jumbo puzzle pieces, or find any “cheese!” variant so amusing as to uncontrollably smile…What was I, some stupid two-year-old?!

Get real.

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